A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road he floored it to 80 mph,enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100mph, then 110, then 120.

Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this,"and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette,looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday.If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida StateTrooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper.

He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.

He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window,

Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yells to her husband,

"You need a piece of tail."

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,

"Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

"Help, Doc. I just got married to this 21 year old woman. She is hot and all she wants to do is have sex all day long."

"So what's the problem?"

"I can't remember where I live."

HAPPINESS...

The 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud lady, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with her hair fashionably coifed and makeup perfectly applied, even though she is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today. Her husband of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary.

After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, she smiled sweetly when told her room was ready.

As she maneuvered her walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of her tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on her window.

"I love it," she stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.

"Mrs.. Jones, you haven't seen the room...just wait."

"That doesn't have anything to do with it," she replied. "Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time.

Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged... it's how I arrange my mind.

I already decided to love it "It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do?

Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away ... just for this time in my life.

Old age is like a bank: you withdraw from what you've put in? So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank of memories.

Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank. I am still depositing. Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1.  Free your heart from hatred.

2.  Free your mind from worries.

3.  Live simply

4.  Give more unconditionally.

5.  Expect less.

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

 Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

 Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

 Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

 Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

 Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

 Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

 Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

The 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.

They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused.

 Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

 Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

 "Mother," the nuns asked in earnest, please give us some wisdom before you die."

 She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, "Don't sell that cow."

A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, who is coming to visit with his wife:

"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow, push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?"

"You're coming empty handed?"

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE... I PRAY FOR A NEW PLAYSTATION... I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 60 years. While the wife was off in the kitchen, the guy said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."

His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at a fast food restaurant. He noticed that they ordered only one meal and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries. One for him, one for her, until each had half of them.

Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set it in front of his wife. The old man began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn to use the teeth."

A little boy greeted his grandmother at the door when she had come for a visit with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you, Grandma. Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."

The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear?" she asked.

The little boy replied, "I heard Daddy tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again."

A guy is 75 years old and loves to fish.
> > He was sitting in his boat the other day when he
> > heard a voice say, "Pick me up."
> >
> > He looked around and couldn't see any one. He
> > thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say
> > again, "Pick me up." He looked in the water and
> > there, floating on the top, was a frog.
> >
> > The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
> >
> > The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up.
> > Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful
> > woman you have ever seen.
> > I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and
> > jealous because you will have me as your bride."
> >
> > The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached
> > over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his
> > front breast pocket.
> >
> > Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you
> > hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your
> > beautiful bride."
> >
> > He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
> > "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
> >

Outside a nursing home, an old grandpa walked by, and one  of the old grandmas yelled out, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you  are."

The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you  old fools."

One of the grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your  undershorts and we can tell your exact age."

Embarrassed just a  little, the grandpa dropped his drawers.

The grandmas stared at him  for a while, asked him to turn around a couple of times, asked him to jump up  and down for a little while and then they all piped up and said, "You're 84  years old!"

"How in the world did you guess?!?" he gasped in  amazement.

The grandmas snickered and laughed. Slapping their knees  and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled in unison:  "Because  we were at your birthday party  yesterday!!"

Auto Safety Info.

The National Roads Safety Council has done
extensive testing on a newly  designed seat belt. Results
show that accidents can be  reduced by as much as 45%
when the belt is properly  installed. 

 
 Correct installation is illustrated below....... 

 

Lowered Drive

 A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc,  I want my sex drive lowered."   

   "Sir," replied the doctor, "you're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?"  

    "You're damned right it is!"  replied the old man. "That's why I  want it lowered!

FOR MY OVER 50 FRIENDS, WHO NEED A LAUGH EVERY NOW AND THEN:

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got  my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.  I bent, twisted,  gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

 I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

 I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

 It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."

Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.

The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood!" as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."
Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."
Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous.....

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone

before!

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of all..

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"

BOWL OF WATER

    Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

    One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water
floated, of all things, a condom!  

    When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 

    "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. 

    "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.  The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would  prevent the spread of disease. 

    Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm.'

"Mutual orgasm here and mutual orgasm' there. That's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?".

Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts one in half and sends her the top part.

Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style? It makes makes your nose look too short."

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel answered, "I have? suppository?"

She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that is red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes," the man said. He turned toward the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

An elderly man who was very hard of hearing went to his doctor to be fitted for a hearing aid.

With his new aid, his hearing improved 100 percent. When he returned to the doctor for his monthly check-up, the doctor asked how the man's family felt about his new and improved hearing.

The man smiled and replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"

"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.

"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.

"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.

"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days, isn't He?"

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was
not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in
a bed, but fine against a wall."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's
time for my nap.
-- Bob Hope

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to
work its way through Congress.
-- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it
will avoid you.
-- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else
starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too
old to go anywhere.
-- Billy Crystal

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.

The Memory Test

Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The
doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?"
"274," was his reply.

The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is
three times three?"

"Tuesday," replies the second man.

The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's
three times three?"

"Nine," says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did
you get that?"

"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a bed near the window?"

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you ... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work.," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're NAKED!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my Love Dress." the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love Dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute." The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left.

On the way home she thought about the Love Dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.

Finally her husband got home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" He exclaimed.

"This is My Love Dress." She replied.

"Needs ironing." he said.

The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers, and demonstrated with her hands the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, then demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

Then the third old lady chipped in with: "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."

The other replies, "Oh, sure I do."

The first old woman asks, "What do you do about it?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

... After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

"So, where were you all these years?"

"In prison," he says.

"For what did they put you in prison?"

He looks at her, and very quietly says, "I killed my wife."

"Oh," says the woman. "So you're single..."

"My arms are so weak I can barely hold a cup of coffee", said one.

"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee", replied another.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck", said a third, to which several nodded in agreement.

My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another went on.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he shook his head.

Then there was a short moment of silence.

"Well, it's not that bad" said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God, we can all still drive"!

The history professor asked the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?"

To which the professor of psychology replied, "Yes, and I think it's these darned wicker chairs."

asked him what he had. The old man said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down
his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a
seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked the old man what he had.
The old man said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down height, weight, a complete medical history and told the old man to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked the old man what he
had. The old man said, 'Shingles.' So the nurse gave the old man a blood test, a
blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told the old man to take off
all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found the old man sitting
patiently in the nude and asked the old man what he had. The old man said,
'Shingles.'

The doctor asked, 'Where?'

The old man said,

'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

Old man: "Well, son, I got married when I was 21. The wife and I decided that if we had arguments, the loser would take a long walk to get over being mad. I suppose I have been benefited most by 79 years of fresh air."

Short line.

Just one lady in front of me . . . an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated .

She asked the teller,

"Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla for yen.

Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too."

To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.

He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked.

"I am." said the man.

"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?"

The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one."

"No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said.

"Here's your chicken." said the farmer.

Sitting behind some nuns (whose habits partially blocked their view) at a hockey game,

three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move.
In a very loud voice, the first guy said, 'I think I'm going to move to Utah,

there are only 100 nuns living there.'
The second guy spoke up and said, 'I want to go to Montana , there are only 50 nuns living there.'
The third guy said, 'I want to go to Idaho , there are only 25 nuns living there.'
One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet, calm voice said,

'Why don't you go to hell? There aren't any nuns there!'

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'For reading a book,' she replies,
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again,
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.