Frequently Asked Questions for Help With Elders, Aging Parents, and Seniors

 

I have a power of attorney for my father, but I am worried about it.  How do I know if what I am doing is legal?

  A general power of attorney differs from an “Advance Healthcare Directive”, also called a power of attorney for healthcare.  If you have a general power of attorney, the things to which your father signed his name may allow you to do most things he would do if he were competent to make decisions for himself.  You can manage a bank account, for example, and write checks.  You may also be able to sell property, decide where he is going to live, and many other things.  The terms are set out in the paper called “Power of Attorney”, and you are the “attorney in fact”.  The general power of attorney does not enable you to make healthcare decisions.  You need a separate power of attorney for healthcare for those decisions.  It is safest to check with a licensed attorney if you have any questions about what your power of attorney lets you do.  If you use a power of attorney for handling money for your father, you must keep careful, accurate written records of every dollar of his you spend, even if it is for his benefit.

There is no easy answer to this question, as many factors are involved in the decision.  First, the family must consider whether Mom is safe at home, even with help.  Help at home for things like bathing and meal preparation may be a good thing, but if Mom has trouble with balance, or can’t remember basic things, help at home may not be enough.  The alternatives are many, and professional advice is a good idea.  Families sometimes must deal with a parent who is resistant to change, even when change is necessary.  A geriatric care manager can visit Mom with you and do an assessment of Mom’s needs and level of function from an objective point of view.  Sorting out the conflicts among siblings may require help with the conflict from an outside professional, who is, again, objective. Dispute resolution service could help the family reach agreements and form a plan.  The goal is to preserve Mom’s dignity and safety and to give her the best possible quality of life wherever she lives.

 

I am taking care of my beloved, frail aunt in my home.  I am worn out and stressed out.  I have a teenager at home too.  All of the responsibility falls on me.  I want  to keep her here, but she has dementia and she can be really hard to care for.  What can I do to manage this situation better?

It is time to seek advice and develop a strategy to take care of yourself before you break.  There are many options.  Healthcare advice can help you find ways to best manage your aunt while still doing your job for her.  Is adult day health service available in your community?  Is that an option?  Have you considered respite care or a care manager to take some of the load off you?  Has the family come together to form a working plan of shared responsibility?  Professional outside help can open up your choices and support you in trying to balance all of your responsibilities.  It is important to use the resources of professionals at this time in your life.  If you have input in how to deal with feeling overwhelmed, input on how to find ways to balance your load, and advice about your aunt’s condition, you will probably find some relief in this difficult job you are doing.

 

My two brothers want me to do one thing to take care of our mother, but I am the one who always visits her, and I want to do something else.  We are at each  other’s throats.  How can we do this?

 If you and your brothers are fighting over how to best take care of your mother, you may need a “referee” with an unbiased point of view to help you work it out.  A mediator, or conflict resolution professional, can assist you.  Everyone has to be willing to sit down together to discuss the problem.  Every person has to be willing to at least listen to the other’s point of view.  A mediator can help you find agreement on basics.  If your brothers will not agree to meet, get advice yourself.  If you have a clear idea about how to manage the stress this situation creates, and some professional advice gives you fresh ideas and support is your decisions, you will do better, even where they do not agree with you.